De-Constructing My Monster

"I the LORD search the heart, and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."  - Jeremiah 17:10

This morning I woke up to continue building my monster. He’s not very big; about as wide as my ego and as tall as my fears.  I was tired, and it was early, but there was a lot of work to be done so I got to it.  I pulled out my hammer and nails and began adding to what I had already done, which was actually quite a bit. You see, I have been working on my monster for many years. My monster is strong now, full of anger and a stranger to mercy.  I have programmed his mind to speak first and listen later. I have given him eyes to see through people, and their intentions.  I’ve fastened to him a shield by which to deflect love, which can hurt you just as easily as it can help you.  I assembled and installed a very small heart so that it is easier to judge others, and harder to forgive them.  It was all about mitigating vulnerabilities you see, and let me tell ya, assembling a heart is no small feat !   I’d pat myself on the back for that if I didn’t have my monster to do it for me. 

Somewhere between adding an extra arm by which to hold more people at bay and a third eye in the back of his head, I suddenly stopped working.  Silly me. I had begun without first saying my prayers.  So I sighed, and climbed down from that pedestal I was on, and bowed my head. 

I asked the Lord to forgive me my sins and to be patient with me.  I asked Him for love and grace.  I begged him for mercy for the mistakes I have made in my life, for the way I have carried myself sometimes, and for the way I have treated others, especially when they have disappointed me.  I asked God not to judge me too harshly and to have a heart for my life and problems. Finally I asked God to help me understand why it’s so hard sometimes just to make it through the day. I asked him to open my eyes and show me.

I waited. Silence. I sighed, said an Amen, and began to get back to work. Halfway up my pedestal again I took a good, long look at my monster and realized for the very first time what a construct of utter hypocrisy that he was.

And that was when the Lord showed me what that other side of my hammer, the claw side, was for.