Double Minded

"But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." - James 1:5-8

At what point does your faith give way to doubt? That question has hung over my head this entire week, for a number of reasons. As such, I have asked it of myself and now I ask it of you. It's not a bad question, just an honest one. The way we answer it helps us to determine where we are in our hearts, our minds and on our walk either towards or away from God. That last part also makes the question a very important one.

I can't speak of you or to your life but I can speak of mine. The truth is I still cling to thoughts and behaviors of my "old" self that are both unhealthy and hypocritical. I want to say, "What? I can't help it." But I know I can. So when I judge someone who is pissing me off or look for too long at a short skirt I am, in many ways, indulging in the very behaviors that led me to the same dark place that made me cry out to God over ten years ago. That place where the "old" me had not exorcised his demons but, instead, threw a huge party for them and said, "Come on in!"

It seems silly. Stupid, really. I may not be able to speak of whatever you believe and/or how you believe it, but you can. How's it going? How are you feeling? Is God in your life, somehow or someway? Are you and He not on speaking terms for some reason? Or have you convinced yourself not to take the whole "God" thing too seriously? Are you still indulging in the double minded ways of this world and, if so, as my pastor likes to say, "How's that working out for you?"

You know, this is my 100th blog. When I started it about five years ago, I just wanted to share my life with others; the triumphs, the tribulations. It was my hope that I would always portray my life in a way that was real, so that the realness of your life wouldn't be such a solitary experience. So that you could say, "Yeah. I've thought that too." or "Man. I remember feeling that way before." The truth is that I've always been after the truth. But I've stumbled, badly, along the way sometimes. For example: one cannot blog about spirituality one day, then take a drunken selfie with cheerleaders and post it on his Facebook page the next, without appearing the fool. Or worse.

But, again, I've tried to keep it honest and part of that honesty is about the struggle. I'm no role model. But, hopefully, I will get there. Until then? It's been so nice to have you along for the journey. 

Backslider

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” – Romans 7:15-18

One of the great mysteries in the journey of faith is the propensity for us all to backslide. Back into old ways. Back into sin. When I was a new believer this used to really frustrate me. I thought that any true faith required a ton of trust and, once broken, little or no forgiveness. You were either in or you were out, and there was no room for backsliding. It was a betrayal of God and, really, what could be worse than that?

But that definition of faith was my own, not God’s. It was built up over a lifetime of hurts and misguided beliefs. In my world there was no room for mistakes or backsliding in either my business or personal relationships. This was also how I judged myself. With each mistake I pushed myself further from God, convinced once again that I simply was not good enough for Him. On good days I told myself I was just a poor believer. On bad days I convinced myself that I was just a creature better suited for evil.

In Romans 7:15-18 we have Paul, a titan of the faith, expressing with shocking honesty that even he backslid from time to time. In Ellicott’s commentary on this section of Romans (and on 7:17 in particular) he says: “This, then, appears to be the true explanation of the difficulty. There is really a dualism in the soul. I am not to be identified with that lower self which is enthralled by sin.”

A dualism of the soul. It is, to me at least, an adequate and profound explanation for the tug of war I engage in, almost daily, with what I want to do versus what I ought to do. Yet we must remember to take comfort in the endless examples the Bible gives (David, Solomon, The Prodigal Son, etc.) that show just how willing God is to seek us out, love us and forgive us.

God knows our struggles, and he is not nearly as interested in our failures as he is in our loving efforts to show Him that we will try, and try again, to overcome them. So the next time you backslide? Remember: with fist to the ground and heels dug in deep? Push on.