Double Minded

"But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." - James 1:5-8

At what point does your faith give way to doubt? That question has hung over my head this entire week, for a number of reasons. As such, I have asked it of myself and now I ask it of you. It's not a bad question, just an honest one. The way we answer it helps us to determine where we are in our hearts, our minds and on our walk either towards or away from God. That last part also makes the question a very important one.

I can't speak of you or to your life but I can speak of mine. The truth is I still cling to thoughts and behaviors of my "old" self that are both unhealthy and hypocritical. I want to say, "What? I can't help it." But I know I can. So when I judge someone who is pissing me off or look for too long at a short skirt I am, in many ways, indulging in the very behaviors that led me to the same dark place that made me cry out to God over ten years ago. That place where the "old" me had not exorcised his demons but, instead, threw a huge party for them and said, "Come on in!"

It seems silly. Stupid, really. I may not be able to speak of whatever you believe and/or how you believe it, but you can. How's it going? How are you feeling? Is God in your life, somehow or someway? Are you and He not on speaking terms for some reason? Or have you convinced yourself not to take the whole "God" thing too seriously? Are you still indulging in the double minded ways of this world and, if so, as my pastor likes to say, "How's that working out for you?"

You know, this is my 100th blog. When I started it about five years ago, I just wanted to share my life with others; the triumphs, the tribulations. It was my hope that I would always portray my life in a way that was real, so that the realness of your life wouldn't be such a solitary experience. So that you could say, "Yeah. I've thought that too." or "Man. I remember feeling that way before." The truth is that I've always been after the truth. But I've stumbled, badly, along the way sometimes. For example: one cannot blog about spirituality one day, then take a drunken selfie with cheerleaders and post it on his Facebook page the next, without appearing the fool. Or worse.

But, again, I've tried to keep it honest and part of that honesty is about the struggle. I'm no role model. But, hopefully, I will get there. Until then? It's been so nice to have you along for the journey. 

Backslider

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” – Romans 7:15-18

One of the great mysteries in the journey of faith is the propensity for us all to backslide. Back into old ways. Back into sin. When I was a new believer this used to really frustrate me. I thought that any true faith required a ton of trust and, once broken, little or no forgiveness. You were either in or you were out, and there was no room for backsliding. It was a betrayal of God and, really, what could be worse than that?

But that definition of faith was my own, not God’s. It was built up over a lifetime of hurts and misguided beliefs. In my world there was no room for mistakes or backsliding in either my business or personal relationships. This was also how I judged myself. With each mistake I pushed myself further from God, convinced once again that I simply was not good enough for Him. On good days I told myself I was just a poor believer. On bad days I convinced myself that I was just a creature better suited for evil.

In Romans 7:15-18 we have Paul, a titan of the faith, expressing with shocking honesty that even he backslid from time to time. In Ellicott’s commentary on this section of Romans (and on 7:17 in particular) he says: “This, then, appears to be the true explanation of the difficulty. There is really a dualism in the soul. I am not to be identified with that lower self which is enthralled by sin.”

A dualism of the soul. It is, to me at least, an adequate and profound explanation for the tug of war I engage in, almost daily, with what I want to do versus what I ought to do. Yet we must remember to take comfort in the endless examples the Bible gives (David, Solomon, The Prodigal Son, etc.) that show just how willing God is to seek us out, love us and forgive us.

God knows our struggles, and he is not nearly as interested in our failures as he is in our loving efforts to show Him that we will try, and try again, to overcome them. So the next time you backslide? Remember: with fist to the ground and heels dug in deep? Push on.

Plant Your Flag

Imagine that you and I decide to go on a hike together. It doesn't really matter where. But let’s pretend it’s a nice day and the hike is moderately long. As we set off with our packs and bottled waters, things look good. Then, about a mile or so in, out of nowhere, I begin to share with you that I’m really worried that we might encounter a snake. Or, what will we do if it begins to rain? I mean, I didn't pack my jacket. And, uh, are there bears in this area? And, ya know, the ground is uneven, too, and what if one of us falls and breaks an ankle? How far away is help? And, oh man, I forgot to take my Claritin this morning, and I read that the pollen count today is going to be brutal! And…and…

I suspect that at some point you’re going to tell me to quit freaking out, to quit worrying, and to start thinking positive. You will no doubt try to point out the beautiful trees, the big sky, the sunshine above, or all the many flowers gathered around us. You may express your desire that I come around, because this is quality time that we’re spending together, and you were really hoping that we could talk. If I still don't calm down? You might think that something’s wrong with me and that it's time to turn back.

Now…what it the hike was life? Think about it. Don’t we all sometimes act the way I acted in this story? Jumping at shadows, obsessing over possible calamities, fearful, worried or focused on the negative? The “what if’s” become the “what then’s” and they go round and round in our heads on an endless loop. I wonder what it must be like for God to be hiking next to us on the journey of our lives and to see us acting this way, to see us get so lost, and then watch us as we miss SO very much that He created us to be and to see.

Thankfully, though, He has unlimited grace and patience. He never leaves our sides or gets fed up with us. He never throws up his arms and says, “That’s it. I’m outta here. Let’s give up and go back to the car!” Instead, He waits for the proper moment to remind us, when we’re ready in our hearts to hear it, that we we’re never created to be worriers and doubters.

We were created to be adventurers and to someday lay claim to the summit of our lives.

What Success Really Is...

"He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." - Matthew 18:2-3

I want to hand off my blog this week to my thirteen year old son, who had his very first “Big Poetry Assignment” this week, and came up with this, which he plopped down on my desk for review:

What Success Really Is

By Anthony Faggioli IV

What is success? You may wonder.

Well, you won’t have to make a blunder

I’ll tell you…

To make a friend laugh loudly;

To work hard at your job,

even if it seems like you carry the weight of the world;

To win the respect of peers and friends

and the affection of lovers;

To have a good time with family;

To admire nature, with its beautiful forests and sparkling rivers, like a great art critic

With appreciation and understanding;

That, my friend, is what success really is.

I'm not sure how that winning the “affection of lovers” thing is going to go over with his Mom, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. As for me? I’m not going to front: I got a little choked up before regaining my manly-man composure (okay, I just fronted). Anthony couldn't believe I really liked it that much, but that’s okay. He will someday, God Willing, when he has kids of his own. It seems like not that long ago that my boy was just scribbling. Now he's writing poetry.It's special. Our children (and grandchildren, and nieces and nephews) are a gift. That’s for sure. And they’re a gift that keeps on giving, one moment, one surprise, one challenge and one delight at a time.  

Maxime

“I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry.” Psalm 40

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.” Matthew 10:29

Join me, if you will, for a little story about a daily parking stamp, some scriptures and the 19th Wedding Anniversary that my wife and I share today.

First, about that daily parking stamp. It was red, with a white "City of Hermosa Beach" seal and it cost a $1.75. As manager of the parking lots in downtown Hermosa Beach in the early 90's, it was part of my job to monitor the sale of validation booklets and daily parking stamps to all the merchants for their customers and employees. I rarely ran the sales window, but on that June day in 1992 I was. That's when it happened.

She came across the parking lot in a navy blue dress, with white piping along the collar, and wearing blue heels. She was naturally tan, with dark eyes and long black hair that fell over her shoulders in thick layers. Her smile was bright, and when she spoke to me it was in a tiny, angelic voice. That was pretty much all it took. I was done for. In life, there are poems that you read and poems that you see, and in this girl I saw something that neither Shakespeare nor Blake, even at the top of their games, ever could. She told me she was a new teller at the nearby Bank of America, then asked me for a daily stamp and placed a single dollar bill with three quarters on the counter. I stuttered like a teenager as I complied. This routine would repeat itself each day for almost two full weeks, before I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out. 

Now, for those bits of scripture: the first guided me when I was looking for love, the second saved me when my father died, the third was there to comfort me when our son was born eleven weeks prematurely and the last one whispered to me softly during our daughter’s adoption. You may wonder what any of this has to do with my 19th Wedding Anniversary. In truth, it has a lot to do with it. For if a marriage is like a piece of art, it only stands to reason that there will be certain moments that frame it. And though all love stories need their sweet and simple moments, the hard and tough moments have their place in the process too. Like the times when one of you is without faith, or loses a parent, or worse.

You see, for whatever reason, Maxime and I had both of our children, and then almost lost them. In each instance, despite support from our friends and family, we would primarily get through each day with just each other. It's in moments of crisis, you see, that you really learn if you've married well, and who you’re married to. I think my wife would agree that on September 9th,1995 we both said our vows and made a promise to God, but that also something else happened: He made a promise to us. To be there, to watch over us, to carry us and deliver us, to lift us up and love us, and He has been so very faithful. The hard moments may have framed our marriage at times, but as Maxime and I have done our best all these years to sketch the picture of our lives together, it's been God who has brought all the color, all the depth and all the perspective.

I still smile at the memory of the first time I met her, so long ago. It’s funny to think that something as simple as a daily parking stamp could lead to a lifetime with someone, isn't it? Or that beneath the brilliant Hermosa Beach sunshine that day, there would arrive, at the window of my little parking booth, such an immense blessing. Happy Anniversary Babe!

Brown-Eyed Girl

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

The brown-eyed girl, in her mid-twenties or so, stood before me in the line at Starbucks with a pensive look on her face, as she perused the pastries. At first I couldn't tell why I noticed her. Then it clicked. She wasn't really looking at the pastries, or the case they were in. She was staring at a place beyond them all. She was staring at a thought.

Turning slightly, she noticed me looking at her. I gave her a nod and said “Good Morning!” as quickly as I could. You see, writers love to observe people, but we never like getting caught in the act. To my surprise, she was not put off in the least. Instead, she turned to face me and we made small talk for a bit, while the line in front of us ground down. With no one behind us, we had a bit of privacy, which was good, because the brown-eyed girl was not doing so well.

“Ready for the day?” I asked. She shook her head a bit. “Why?” I asked. Without missing a beat, she looked up at me with moist eyes and said, “Because last night I had a miscarriage.”

Now, moments like these have been happening to me my entire life. I have no idea why. For some reason, complete strangers like to confide and confess extremely private things to me. I don’t know why this happens. It just does. And when it does, I don’t freak out anymore. I just go with it.

“I’m sorry,” I said. She nodded weakly, as an earthquake struck her lower lip. “Thank you,” she replied, then added, “Kinda hard to be ready for the day after that, right?” It was sweet and sad; sweet because she tried to make a joke, and sad because she succeeded. I chuckled and replied, “You’ll be okay.” Her eyebrows popped up. “Oh yeah? How? she said. I shrugged. Great purveyor of wisdom that I am, all I managed to come up with was: “You’ll start with a coffee and a pastry, and then you’ll take it one step at a time from there.” That did it. I finally got a little smile out of her. Probably because my advice was so lame.

As the barista called for her order, the spell was broken and the brown-eyed girl looked suddenly embarrassed, but also a tiny bit better.We said our goodbyes. As she left in her business suit and heels, hair pulled back professionally, nails painted, but trimmed neatly, I couldn't help but notice how put together she looked on the outside, while on the inside she was a mess. I felt ashamed that I had not at least tried to witness to her a bit, but I don’t think it mattered.

Our moment had come and passed, you see. That’s all it was. You may think I told you this story to show you how I helped someone, but no. Maybe I did. I hope so. But really, it was she who helped me. Me, and my selfish daily schedule, that has no time for strangers and all of their problems, me and my frequent lack of compassion for others. As I left the Starbucks I had a new perspective. And that, you see, is how God really works for the good in all things. He takes a girl in need of compassion, and puts her in line right next to a man who needs to learn how to give compassion. Then He does all the rest.

Ejemplo

Then he said to them, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.” And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” - Matthew 26:38-39

One thing people often forget is that Jesus came here to save, yes, and to forgive, yes, but he also came here to set an example. Of what, you ask? Of human life, and how we're supposed to live it.

God, in the flesh, came and said, "Look now. This is how I created you to do it." In the process Jesus was spared nothing. He endured forty days in the desert, hungry, abandoned and alone, tempted every minute of each day by Satan himself. He was mocked, ridiculed, challenged and hunted. He was engaged in theological debates one minute, ethical debates the next, then legal debates and philosophical debates. He had his heart broken by the inhumanity of the masses around him, the cruelty and the judgement. His sanity was challenged, his psyche was challenged and his soul was challenged. He laughed, he cried, he questioned, he searched, he raged and he loved. Through it all.

Just like you and me.

But one of the great joys of reading the New Testament is in seeing how Jesus responded. I mean: wow. A hug and a kiss one minute, a parable the next. When he wasn't drawing a line in the sand, he was drawing attention to all the pain and loneliness around him. He was encouraging. He was loving. Then, just when you think you've seen it all? Along comes Matthew 26:38-39. When knowing his very death was eminent, he did not try to run from it. He was sorrowful, troubled, worried and in internal agony. I mean, can you even imagine? Wait. I bet you can. Jesus knew you would too. Eventually, we all ask the big questions and we all struggle. You may not be literally dying right now, but you are dying everyday in the midst of your circumstances, in your mindset and with the lenses by which you view the world and your place in it. In your life you have been, or are at this very minute, in deep pain. At times like these, remember the example Jesus left you.

What does he do? He prays, he talks with God, and then? In one of the most remarkable moments of Scripture, he completely surrenders...he lets go of the desire for control and that frail human need to "dictate" one's fate...and he turns it ALL over to the Lord. It is the ultimate example for human life.

So, the only real question left is this: will you, at long last, follow it?

Miserable Chameleon

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:13-14

Many, many years ago I convinced myself to give up writing. I told myself that it wasn't a practical way to support a family. It was “dreamer’s work”, akin to walking into a room, chest puffed out, and telling people that you wanted to be an “Actor”! Oh…the horror. Looking back now, I realize that on that day I almost killed my true self. Over the next ten years I would venture briefly into the world of professional politics and then on to business and then, slowly, become an absolutely miserable, bastard of a man. I kid you not.

Why should I have been surprised? How can a person who has voided his true identity, the “me” he was created to “be”, and then constructed a bunch of false selves, caricatures really, from characters in books or movies, or selves that I knew the job interviewer or the girl I liked wanted me to be, ever become anything else but a miserable chameleon? At some point it all became too much. I wanted to live again. To write again. So I left that downtown job, got rid of my ties, started a little cleaning company to pay the bills and began dreaming again.

Here’s the thing: if we hide our true selves, then we shouldn't be surprised if our false selves make us unhappy. You are a unique creation of cosmic dust and spirit. Why in heaven would you ever want to mess with that? What on earth has caught your eye and led you deep into a forest of disillusionment and confusion? Where is the real “you”? And why did you allow yourself to be convinced that the real you was never good enough to begin with?

I can’t tell you how to find yourself. No one can, despite all those crowded aisles in the “Self Help” section of the bookstore. But I can tell you where you won’t find it. You won’t find it in the next drink at the bar (or perhaps you’re older now, so you drink your wine at home, sometimes the whole bottle...what’s it matter when you've convinced yourself that no one really cares?). You also won’t find it in the next temper tantrum. Anger is a treadmill in reverse. You won’t find it in the next relationship, either, because hurt people tend to hurt people. And you surely won’t find it in that dark, little corner of your mind marked “Reserved for Depression”.

The only way you find it is by giving God jurisdiction over your life. Besides you, He’s the only one who REALLY knows the TRUE you. And, unlike you, He knows exactly who He created you to be in the first place and for what purpose. So today, maybe, if you could, take a moment and say “Hi” to Him. He’s waiting to have a real, honest talk with you. No judgment. No shame. Just a few tears await, and a resurrection of course…of the real you.

The "F" Word

F-E-A-R. Probably not the “F” word that you were thinking it was going to be but, by far and away, Fear is a four letter word that has caused and will cause more pain and suffering in your life, and in the lives of those around you, than any curse word ever could. That is, if you allow it to.

Recently I have come to a personal conclusion: The Enemy, Evil, Satan (whatever you want to call it) simply has no greater weapon than Fear. Not one. Not envy or lust or even a thirst for vengeance. If you think about it? Fear is at the root of each of the Ten Commandments. You would have no reason to worship another God before the Lord if you didn’t come to fear that the Lord wasn’t enough in the first place. Most people commit adultery out of the fear that they are not good enough anymore, in life or for their spouse. Others steal...out of fear that the Lord cannot provide for them, or out of greed, which is the fear of never having enough. Fear is the driving force of envy as well. You get the idea.

Fear. Fear. Fear. It is a four letter word, and it will cripple you your entire life. And when it visits to beat up on you, it doesn't come alone. Oh, no. Often it brings a few cousins - anxiety and worry - to help out. Blow by blow, they convince you that you’re not good enough, that you need another drink, that you will never get the job you want, that you’re going to get fired, that you’ll never find love and happiness, or be a good enough wife, or that the test results from the hospital coming this week will bring bad news, or something is going to go wrong, for some reason, somewhere, somehow. The Enemy’s goal is to slowly maneuver you into the corner of The Ultimate Fear: that God has abandoned you. That He doesn’t love you. That you’re a big, fat failure, unworthy of salvation or love.

When you reach this point? What do you do? I recently spoke with a good Christian brother of mine about a fear I have been dealing with for nearly two months now. I had kept it all in, you know, because being afraid is being weak and, like many men, “weak” is not the image I am trying to project (did you get that? I was “afraid” of being “afraid”…and that’s the problem with fears, they multiply like cockroaches). But I got real with him, and I let it all out. “What do I do?” I asked. He smiled, put his hand on my shoulder, leaned in and said: “Hope and pray for the best. Hold firm in that. Don’t call negativity into your life that may not even really be there…but if it is? Well. You fight. Fight hard. In faith.”

I think this is the “good fight of faith” that Paul talks about in 1 Timothy 6:12, Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. This is when you get to call in YOUR cousins: love, hope and The Holy Spirit. When they arrive? It’s not even a fair fight anymore. Because any and every fear, even of death, is nothing in the face of a God who knows you.

Sweet Disposition

“These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

How do you approach your day…I mean, really, each day? Each and every day? Is it with regret? Exhaustion? Frustration? Are things already not going your way, even before they get going at all? Why? Since when did life become a one sided hill, all upward struggle, with no hope for a downhill coast with a cool breeze at your back? When did you forget that life is so very short and surely not meant to me spent immersed in sadness, anxiety or worry?

What would happen if, instead, you adopted a sweet disposition (like that old song by Temper Trap in the 80's, for those of you old enough to remember)? How would the day change if you greeted it with expectancy? Or hope? Or with a gritty determination not to let your circumstances dictate your happiness, or even more importantly, your faith? Can you even imagine the difference that would/could make in your life...or in your blood pressure...or with your weight and your sleep patterns?

How many lives could you affect – profoundly – if you carried a smile on your face all day today? If you simply said: “Today I will laugh at it all, and I will make others laugh, and when they laugh I bet that will make me laugh all the more, and life won’t be this heavy wool coat anymore, but instead it will be a blanket of feathers, that will turn into wings…that will help me to soar.” Sound too flowery? Good. It’s supposed to.

When will you ever learn that you are more than a conqueror? Then accept it, and finally, embrace it? Soon, I hope. The time of your life is not an endless thing, and what time you have left should not be squandered with a dour face and stress that will amount to absolutely nothing on the day that you die. Engage and embrace the gift that God has given you: the very next breath you take, and the next one, and the one after that. Breathe, smile and remember that you’re a much greater version of you when you're filled with love and joy.

Cabin #2

"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety." - Psalm 4:8

Ya know. Vacation is important. So is rest and finding peace, both within and without. We often forget this for some reason. We also forget how others need it to, and how vastly special the connections are between us, some that we don't even realize existed, until they're pointed out to us. Like the Cabin #2 Journal that I stumbled upon when we vacationed in Big Sur last weekend. As I flipped it open I looked into the lives of SO many people. It was really neat. There were some lovely children's drawings in it, a few heavy hitter writer's who expounded in earnest, and some real life, gritty moments, shared by others. Each visitor is expected to write in it before they leave, and I was stunned to see that the journal was completely full, save for the inside back cover. So? Since I haven't blogged in a while, I thought I would share our entry.

"As our family reads through this journal we are touched by so many stories. There are many moments recorded here, memories elastic and given eternal life because different people from all over the world have taken the time to share. Some were newlyweds in the bliss of their new matrimony; others have been children who have shared the simple pleasures of their days (and the number of crawdads they caught!), while others still have shared their discoveries (the purple sand at Pfeiffer, or sand dollars, or a tree species). In these pages are the words of someone very ill and working through their bucket list, someone else recovering from job loss and back surgery, and the defiant words of another person, a man floored by a broken heart, who came here to heal.  

If you read deeper, you will find some who witnessed to their faith, and others who were seeking the same. There are even the sweet scribbling’s of young love: a college boy who wrote secretly in this journal - while his girlfriend slept nearby - of how lucky he was to have her, and of how bright he hoped that their future together might be.

Amongst all who have preceded us we, The Faggioli’s, arrive for the last page, white and wide as a cliff face, calling to be climbed. My wife and I, now going on 19 years of marriage, came here to Big Sur for the first time 22 years ago. We tent camped because we were broke. We rode inner-tubes down the river to the restaurant and had beers with appetizers and listened to the band play and, very much in love ourselves, we told each other we’d come back someday with our kids. And we have been now, for the past thirteen years. Our son is now 13 and his little sister is now 7. 

Every year or so we all come back, because, as this journal is to this cabin, this place is to our hearts: memories. Recorded. Retained. Cherished. They cling in the branches of the redwoods overhead, call out to us in the birdsong all around and, if I listen real closely, in the running river, I can still hear both of my kids, when they were each toddlers, laughing at the joy of their first inner-tube rides.

But there’s something odd about being “the last page”. We’re the portal between “then” and “when”. All the people who have written in this journal before us will probably never read these words, and all the people who follow us probably won’t either, as they will be writing in a new, different journal for Cabin #2. Perhaps both journals will remain here, to keep the record going, and to keep this magical chain of moments strung together...lives of totally different people from totally different places, at totally different stages of life, forever intersected by the magic of words.

Disabilities

As many of you know, Maxime and I are the proud parents of a special needs child. Many people who meet Anthony have no idea that he has cerebral palsy. He walks now and has a decent center of balance. But that’s not how the journey began. As a baby he crawled the first eighteen months, undiagnosed. Afterwards, he could only walk with a walker for a long time and was then only able to take his first, independent steps at age four, often only two or three at a time, before he would fall.

I was at Starbucks today talking with Ken, a Christian brother of mine I met by happenstance over coffee one morning about a year ago. The subject of our discussion was how difficult it can be sometimes to walk in the faith, to serve, to be part of a church community, and to not only be grounded in scripture, but to actually live it. “Why all the struggles and backsliding?” we wondered. Then, with a shrug, Ken observed, “Probably because we’re born sinners, it’s an innate thing within us, that we spend our whole lives trying to live with.”

“Like a disability,” I replied.

In the walk of faith, we’re all born disabled. At first the disability goes undiagnosed. Then we realize that something’s “not quite right” with us and, if I’m to be honest, this is the most terrifying part. We’re prone to all the many variations of sin (bitterness, gossip, lust, anger, envy, selfishness, addiction, etc.) which keep us from standing up straight or walking with confidence. So we bump our way through life and fall down a lot. And it hurts. So we construct ourselves a walker or two, built out of the advice of others and countless self-help books. For a while this works. But life is still moving by, so fast and – at some point – we know:  we have to let go and take a step of faith. It’s the only way. One step, two, maybe a third. Fall down. Get up. Do it again. How?

By the grace of God, and by submitting our will to that grace. Because only then can we fully realize that it doesn’t matter how we walk: fully, unevenly, with a limp or otherwise. God loves us all the more just for the trying of it. Because being disabled? It isn't something you overcome, as much as it’s something that you learn to work through and live with. And live all the more because of it.

Be That You

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." - Philippians 4:8-9

It is a triumphant life indeed that transcends both the past and the future, that mounts itself steadfast in the present moment, defiant to the last breath to find meaning in what is...not in what was, or what will be. Some days it's hard to see past the clouds. Some days are just dark in their own way. But on these days be a light. Do not be encompassed in the "what's" and the "if's", for they are small words meant to pin down your giant human spirit. Instead, lift your chin and make your own sunrise, push it out of you and measure its warmth in the smiles you can illicit on the faces of other people, no matter how small or brief, no matter be they from friends or strangers. If you can make them laugh? Even better.

If you look around you...I mean really look...you will see hundreds and thousands of suns. You will see the shine in the solemn witness of a dying man. You will see the victory of a mother foregoing chemotherapy, risking her own life to spare the unborn child in her belly. You will see it in praise and in sacrifice. You will see it in the mingled fingers of two high schoolers walking to school, young love standing firm in the face of a harsh world, refusing for now to grow old. You will see it in the smile of a child at school as he is learning something new. You will see it the joyful face of a girl singing her heart out with a voice beyond her years.

Witness it. Please. The shining victories of all the human beings around you. And let them witness yours. Life's full of things called defeats that, really, when taken in context, are just moments that are precursors to success. You weren't born, you weren't created, to be a creature of circumstance or loss. You were born to actively engage, seek, find, encourage, uplift and inspire. Be the you that holds rank in a universe that is vast, but not nearly as vast as your dreams. Be that person. C'mon. Give it a try.

I promise, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Lucky 13

My son turned thirteen yesterday. It’s just a number, but then again, it’s not. From thirteen to nineteen so many things in the world await us; our first kiss, our first job, our first date, our first relationship, prom, driver’s school and the dreaded DMV test, our first broken heart and the immensity of what it means to chase love, to lose it maybe and to one day find it again.

I looked at my little boy last night with wonder. From being born 11 weeks early at 3lbs, 3 ounces to standing nearly to my shoulders now. He will be taller than me, that’s for sure, he will have bigger hands than me too, with which to grapple this world, and bigger feet with which he will no doubt leave behind a larger trail. Since infancy, time and again, he has shown strength and resilience that has left me speechless more often than not.  

Thirteen is just a number, but then again, it’s not. Some who know Anthony’s whole story might say it’s a "Lucky" 13. But we – and more importantly HE – know better: it’s a Blessed 13. Today the door opens on a brave new world for him and if that sounds overly dramatic, well, trust me, it’s not. As parents we all want the best for our children, and though teens are a ways off from leaving the nest entirely, they’re beginning to flap their wings. They’re looking over the edge, venturing out on to some of the closer branches and, well, glittering things out there are beginning to catch their eye. We must be there to help, guide, cajole and discipline them, but we must also know when to let them fly, when to let them glide and when to bring them back to the nest again.

As my son begins this journey, I want him to do so just as he began his journey as a toddler, with his arms out a bit and his chest puffed up…and with Christ beating right there in his heart. The little boy who was quoting bible scriptures before he could read must now not only have faith, but learn how to lean on it and use it to guide him along the way. Whenever he has doubt? I will remind him that, as a father, I could never be prouder of the boy God gave me, or of the potential that I know he has in him. He will make a great life in this world, and luck will have nothing to do with it.

A Flourish In A Heart

The world is a grand receptacle of hurts and pain. Seven billion people, all accidentally or intentionally walking into, or over, one another. We try to color it any way that we can. We dress it up. We turn from its ugliness and close our eyes. We let our politics prey on our peace and our wars distract us from our differences. Some of us take the world and wrap it up in deep interpretations or insightful contemplations, while others of us simply ignore it entirely and push on. To somewhere. Somewhere other than here. Wherever. Just not here.

Which is why You were created. You with that hope in your heart. You with that deep desire to overcome, to teach us how to knock, how to seek and how to find. You saw with clarity through human eyes blurred with stardust tears. You gave in, but you never gave up. You set an example and then set the heavens in place. When you saw all the hurt and pain you didn't wish it away or even heal it all gone. Instead, you showed us how to share it all, how to carry the burden together and how, eventually, to find the good in life as well. You didn't deny the hardness of life, but you denied us the right to become hard because of it. When hurt, love, you said. When loved, love all the more. When forgiving someone keep forgiving, so much so that you can't even remember what you were forgiving them for in the first place.

Why? Because you knew that human life, like human glory, is fleeting. Only those near the end can properly sum up the regrets for not having more closely paid attention to the journey. You knew that when you came for them, you would have to counsel these regrets away, so you asked us to police our souls better, and to not only stop and smell the roses, but to plant some as well. You were a flourish in a heart that beats behind stars immaculate and innumerable. Incredibly, you asked us to be so as well.

Yes. It's true. You died so that we may have life. But you also died to remind us that the world is a grand and wondrous place, where a hug, a kiss and a dream are but one touch, one caress or one awakening away.