Miserable Chameleon

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:13-14

Many, many years ago I convinced myself to give up writing. I told myself that it wasn't a practical way to support a family. It was “dreamer’s work”, akin to walking into a room, chest puffed out, and telling people that you wanted to be an “Actor”! Oh…the horror. Looking back now, I realize that on that day I almost killed my true self. Over the next ten years I would venture briefly into the world of professional politics and then on to business and then, slowly, become an absolutely miserable, bastard of a man. I kid you not.

Why should I have been surprised? How can a person who has voided his true identity, the “me” he was created to “be”, and then constructed a bunch of false selves, caricatures really, from characters in books or movies, or selves that I knew the job interviewer or the girl I liked wanted me to be, ever become anything else but a miserable chameleon? At some point it all became too much. I wanted to live again. To write again. So I left that downtown job, got rid of my ties, started a little cleaning company to pay the bills and began dreaming again.

Here’s the thing: if we hide our true selves, then we shouldn't be surprised if our false selves make us unhappy. You are a unique creation of cosmic dust and spirit. Why in heaven would you ever want to mess with that? What on earth has caught your eye and led you deep into a forest of disillusionment and confusion? Where is the real “you”? And why did you allow yourself to be convinced that the real you was never good enough to begin with?

I can’t tell you how to find yourself. No one can, despite all those crowded aisles in the “Self Help” section of the bookstore. But I can tell you where you won’t find it. You won’t find it in the next drink at the bar (or perhaps you’re older now, so you drink your wine at home, sometimes the whole bottle...what’s it matter when you've convinced yourself that no one really cares?). You also won’t find it in the next temper tantrum. Anger is a treadmill in reverse. You won’t find it in the next relationship, either, because hurt people tend to hurt people. And you surely won’t find it in that dark, little corner of your mind marked “Reserved for Depression”.

The only way you find it is by giving God jurisdiction over your life. Besides you, He’s the only one who REALLY knows the TRUE you. And, unlike you, He knows exactly who He created you to be in the first place and for what purpose. So today, maybe, if you could, take a moment and say “Hi” to Him. He’s waiting to have a real, honest talk with you. No judgment. No shame. Just a few tears await, and a resurrection of course…of the real you.